I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
