I cannot find my penis.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
