just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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