I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
