A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
