your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
