Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
