Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
