I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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