i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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