he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
