i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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