I think I won the penis lottery.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
