If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
