Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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