Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
