Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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