so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
