My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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