No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
