This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
