My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
