how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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