what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
