Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
