i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
