Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
