So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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