Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
