My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
