I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
