After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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