when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
This is the high leading the old right now
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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