I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
