Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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