You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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