shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
