my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
