I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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