I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
