I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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