I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
