they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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