i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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