4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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