Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
