Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
