I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
