So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
