He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
