erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I am midnight drunk by noon
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
