I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
