I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
