i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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