how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
